"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"