"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited."

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me."

"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking Do you want fries with that?"

"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"

"When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well." (on the differences between Americans and the English)

"I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires."

"Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies."

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip."

"The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack."

"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works."